I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.