the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.