me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.