First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
This is a whole mood;
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle