I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
my dad has had enough