Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.