Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
one of
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.