This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
lol
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.