God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*