My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna