Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
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BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”