[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My work here is done
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.