my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.