Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
You Might Also Like
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *