I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I have two kinds of followers
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur