Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”