Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.