In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?