him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.