Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
You Might Also Like
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Welcome
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!