ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH