Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.