Doormats are a gateway rug.
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying