My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Growing out my freckles.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.