“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
this is me