Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
ibopfufen
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?