Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!