My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.