Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today