Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.