telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
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Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
so much to do
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.