Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
LA today:
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Don’t we all.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer