I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.