You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
(yawn)
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
That took me a moment.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.