I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
You Might Also Like
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?