I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I am yelling
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
They also CAN sing✌️
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”