You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!