Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
That’s easy for you to say
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.