A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣