superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
You can’t outrun your problems…
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.