Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
You Might Also Like
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Buying a well is money well spent.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?