me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Got him!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.