When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
You Might Also Like
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”