😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
getting corrected
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
“I’m helping” 😅
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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