You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you