Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.