It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan