Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
That’s no pocket rocket.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Who did it better?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife