Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
You Might Also Like
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind