The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit